Jherog couldn’t recall how he’d gotten there. He was in a clear valley, alone, lush with greens and a dark blue sky above. For the first time in a very long time, he felt calm, at peace. Devra was nowhere to be seen and he felt he could breathe. How had it all happened so quickly, he wondered. His passion and excitement for her had morphed into a very powerful fear and dislike. He could never use the word hate. It was too strong. And a part of him, as small as it may be, still loved her, and hoped for her return. Why had she left him? He fell to his knees and took in deep breaths of fresh air, closing his eyes, trying to feel something. Was it relief? It was hard to feel anything but the sadness that consumed him day in and day out. How could Devra have betrayed him so? After all he’d done for her? His feelings of anger began to grow and the pain started again. Shooting out from his hip, up and down his leg and torso. He yelled out as it pulsated stronger, distracting him from the anger. Once it subsided, he yelled out in frustration. Why had she done this to him? He closed his eyes and began to breathe deeply again. He had to gain control of the pain.
“You’re mine,” Devra’s voice filled his mind. “You’ll never be rid of me.” She gave a small laugh. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“I…” he refused to open his eyes and shook his head, no. “Yes,” he admitted. “I wanted… I want to be with you, but not like this,” he confided. “Never like this.”
“Were you hoping for ignorant bliss then?” She asked.
“I…” he hesitated, unsure how to respond. It felt like they’d had this conversation a thousand times already and yet, Jherog still knew nothing of her feelings and why they’d changed. She’d said, she’d shown she loved him. Her letters. Her words. Her actions. And yet, now all she ever did was hurt him, in any way she could. “I don’t know what you mean. We both hoped for a simple life back in Grindl.” He felt the flame in his hip ignite and flare up. He cried out.
“I will burn Grindl to the ground!” She yelled and Jherog’s eyes popped open.
“Why would you say such a thing?” He yelled out, not seeing Devra anywhere but hearing her laughter. She sounded like a villain, crazed and desperate. He slowly stood, waiting for her to respond.
“You still don’t get it, do you?” She sighed. “Poor Jherog. Always the sufferer. Always the victim.”
“I don’t understand, Devra. Why has it come to this? What happened?” He was yelling up at the sky, as though she were hiding amongst the clouds. Silence filled the space around him. He couldn’t even hear the wind or any other natural part of his surroundings. It felt eerie.
“We go through this almost every time,” Devra told him.
“What are you talking about?” Jherog yelled back, confused. He waited and could hear what sounded like the ticking of a clock. It was coming closer. Suddenly, Devra appeared several feet away, her long red hair loose around her, covering her near naked form as she stood and looked at Jherog, a strange smile on her face. He looked at her and couldn’t help the arousal that formed in his loins and heart. She was so beautiful. Perhaps even more beautiful than his Derina. Her belly was slightly swollen with the youngling she was carrying. His youngling. He wished he could reach out and caress them both, but he knew better. She hadn’t let him touch her in so long.
“Tsk, tsk, tsk,” he realized the ticking clock was in fact her. “Still so…” she sighed. “Pathetic.” As she walked toward him, Jherog felt something strange happening. Beyond his typical excitement and desire for her, the pain from his hip was gone. He hesitated, afraid he was mistaken, but when he moved toward her, he felt no pain at all. And with each step toward her, more of her body was revealed to him. Her long hair slowly moved to reveal her breasts that had clearly grown. She was wearing some sort of translucent skirt that seemed to be flowing though there was no wind. He could see her long legs, thin and fragile. Her arms were also thin which one would think would make her look more bony, but somehow, she appeared more graceful than ever. Her fair skin shining like silver moonlight. Jherog couldn’t stop himself from walking toward her. He wanted to feel her, touch her soft skin, take her velvety and supple breasts in his hands, his mouth. A part of him told him to stop, warned him of the pain he would feel, sure that she would ignite the flame she’d buried inside of him, but he ignored it. She opened her arms and he took the final few steps. “Every time,” she whispered.
He looked down at her belly and was mesmerized. It wasn’t large yet, but he could see it was most definitely growing, and he could sense the life inside of her, the life they’d created together. His eyes filled with tears and he gently placed his hands on her belly. Immediately, he felt it move and he laughed. He looked up at Devra who simply watched him. He looked back down and watched her belly, as though waiting for something. He bent down to kiss and whisper to it.
“I can’t believe you’re here,” he said. “And soon, I’ll get to meet you.” He kissed the belly and laughed. “I love you already,” he whispered. And suddenly, Devra pushed him back.
“Love?” She yelled. “What do you know of love?” Jherog flew back a few feet and looked at her, confused and hurt. “What you call love is poison.”
“I… I don’t understand,” Jherog stammered. He looked at her, no longer the nearly naked beautiful form he’d just been caressing. Now she was covered in blood red clothing, from head to toe. Long pieces of fabric flowing around her as she moved. He moved towards her but felt stuck. He wasn’t paralyzed with fear and so could only guess that somehow Devra was holding him in place. “What do you want from me?”
“The truth!” She yelled back. He looked at her perplexed and frustrated.
“The truth about what? That I love you. That I want to spend the rest of our lives together, raising our youngling, spending…”
“Enough!” She interrupted. “I grow tired of these games, Jherog.” She got to his side, so quickly he didn’t even see her body move to make it happen. As though she flew to him. She put her hand on his face and caressed it. Jherog wanted to move into it, but couldn’t. And then the caress began to hurt as she shoved her nails into his skin. He yelled out in pain. “Every time!”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“I have brought you here so many times. Do you not recognize it?” She turned away and held her hands up, begging him to examine their surroundings. Jherog looked around and was about to shake his head no, when he suddenly did recognize it. It was the field between Grindl and the Terbit farmhouse. In fact, the farmhouse should just be over the hill, he realized. “Ah, now you see it, don’t you?”
“What’s happening? How did we get here?”
“I brought you here,” she told him. “I keep bringing you here.” She sighed. “It seems only right to bring you back to the scene where all of your evil began.”
“My evil? I don’t understand.”
“I will keep making you relive this until you finally tell me the truth.”
“The truth about what?” He could sense her anger growing but truly didn’t know what she wanted from him. Exasperated, she moved to his side again and stared into his eyes, gritting her teeth, her jaw clenched tight.
“All of it.” She turned away and suddenly their surroundings were moving. They stopped in the market in Grindl. All of the streets were empty, despite the sun shining.
“What… what’s happening…” The street suddenly filled and Jherog was looking at the faces of so many he hadn’t seen since he was much younger. He almost felt giddy at the strangeness of it all. Had they somehow gone back in time? He was about to say something when he saw his younger self standing alone beside a building. He was watching something. Or someone. He followed his gaze to see an even younger Derina playing in the street with her friends. His eyes filled with tears and he reached out to touch her. But, his hand went right through her. “I… I don’t understand.”
“I’ve brought us here,” Devra explained, watching him closely. “None of this is real. It’s only a memory.”
The young Derina looked over at young Jherog, smiled and waved. Young Jherog looked surprised by it and smiled in return.
“Your mother was so beautiful,” he told her. Everything sped up around them - the grounds, the skies, everyone moved faster, but young Derina slowly moved to bring Jherog some berries from the forest. Young Jherog took them from her and smiled at her in thanks. “She was the only one who was truly kind to me.”
“Kindness you didn’t deserve,” Devra whispered harshly and Jherog ignored. He couldn’t fathom where she was going with her thoughts. He just wanted to stay in the memories of Derina. He wanted to feel her kindness, her love, her affection, just once more. Everything began moving at top speed again while Jherog continued.
“I never had the courage to say more than two words to her,” he admitted. “The whole village had decided from very early on that her perfect match was Grodan.” The village appeared decorated and ready for a celebration. A now slightly older Derina and Jherog appeared in the square, ready to dance. “Still, she was kind to me.” She was petite next to him and smiled up at him whenever they stopped spinning or dancing. The village and everything around them seemed to begin to spin. “But I quickly lost her to Grodan,” he whispered.
“Lost implies having had her to begin with. You never had her,” Devra told him, her voice harsh and hateful. Jherog turned to face her.
“I did have her. We cared for each other deeply,” he told her.
“Then why marry my father?” Everything stopped and young Jherog stood outside of a building alone, watching it as though waiting for someone to come out. Derina suddenly stepped out, looked at him. Young Jherog took one step toward her and stopped when her smile faded.
“She felt she’d had no choice,” he told her. Suddenly a bigger young man, Grodan, walked out and lifted Derina into his arms. Derina’s eyes remained on Jherog for a few seconds longer, but the laughter took over and she wrapped her arms around Grodan’s neck. Young Jherog watched on, a clear look of heartbreak on his face. “We’d planned to run away together, but she got scared.”
“Lies!”
“It’s the truth!” Jherog yelled back as the village and everything started spinning again. “We were in love.” The village stopped and young Derina was by a creek, washing clothing in it, alone. Younger Jherog walked up slowly behind her and she quickly turned to see him. She didn’t smile, but held a sadness in her eyes. “I begged her to tell me why she chose Grodan,” he continued. Young Derina began to cry. “She felt terribly.” Young Derina stood and rushed into Jherog’s arms. “She knew she’d made a mistake. But, what was done was done.”
“Is this how you truly remember it?” Their surroundings began spinning until they stopped at night, still by the Creekside. Young Jherog sat, waiting, and young Derina slowly approached him. He smiled as he stood and turned toward her and she ran into his arms.
“We stole time together whenever we could. Hopeful that no one would see us, that no one would tell Grodan.” They sat by the Creekside and talked, even lying down next to each other at some point. “It was all innocent. Always.” Their surroundings spun again and stopped, again by the creek, again at night, but this time Jherog and Derina were a little older, and Derina’s belly was swollen with life. She was crying in Jherog’s arms. “By the time she was carrying your sister Daline, she’d had enough.”
“Enough of what?” Devra demanded. Jherog pushed Derina back and studied her face. It was bruised, her upper lip cut.
“Of his anger. His hurt. The pain he caused her. She was terrified of him.” Jherog pulled Derina back to hug her and kissed the top of her head. She pulled her head back and looked up at him. “We didn’t mean for it to go any further.” Jherog kissed her eyebrow, where there was a bruise, and then her cheek, where there was a scrape. And finally, he kissed her on the lips. It was passionate and long. Jherog watched, his heart swelling and filling with pain.
“You claim that my father beat my mother and sought refuge with you?”
“I don’t claim it,” Jherog answered back. “It’s what happened.” Their surroundings blurred and began to spin again. It stopped outside the Terbit farmhouse and Jherog eagerly walked in, excited to see what he knew he should. He smiled as they came across him and Derina making love in the barn. He watched as their young bodies collided and twisted together in ecstasy. Their sweat making their bodies glisten in the moonlight sneaking in through the boards that claimed to be walls and roof. “We were magical together,” Jherog whispered, wishing he could be back there now. He felt a twinge in his loins and a tiny spark of pain in his hip. He turned to Devra. “Don’t you see? We were in love? Desperately in love.”
“Then what happened? How is it that this magical love story ends in so much tragedy?” Jherog remained silent and had to swallow a big ball of shame and pain before he could speak again. He hadn’t wanted to share any of this with Devra. None of it. He’d wanted to keep her mother alive as the strong and beautiful one she’d been. “Tell me, Jherog!”
“I loved your mother beyond words,” he started. “I hated that I couldn’t protect her.” Their surroundings spun and stopped at a small house just on the outskirts of the village. Younger Jherog seemed to be sneaking up to it. “I was worried about her constantly. Afraid Grodan might really hurt her.” Younger Jherog kept low beneath a window. Loud voices could be heard inside. A loud bang sounded within the walls and two small children ran out, holding hands. Young Jherog watched them but didn’t move. The children ran out of sight, but the fighting escalated. Jherog could see himself watching as Grodan hit Derina over and over again. His heart was breaking and his eyes filled with tears. “I wanted to save her,” Jherog cried quietly. Young Jherog ran to the front door and into the house. He pulled a very large and angry Grodan off of Derina who looked shocked to see him. Angry words were exchanged as young Jherog begged Derina to leave, but she refused. “I couldn’t understand,” Jherog said. “She wouldn’t leave.” Grodan suddenly laughed and then hit Jherog so hard he fell to the floor. Jherog didn’t get up and Grodan kept hitting him, and kicking him. “I barely remember this part,” he confided and watched as Grodan moved to hit him again but suddenly stopped. His eyes flew wide open as he turned to see Derina standing next to him, a bloodied knife in her hand. Grodan winced and moved toward her, and rather than step back, she moved forward and plunged the knife into Grodan’s chest. She watched as he fell to the floor dead, and then flew to Jherog’s side. She tried to wake him, but even kissing him didn’t work. The room began to spin and everything around them disappeared. “In the end, she’d had to protect me.”
“Then what?”
“I’d hoped things would be better for us. I’d hoped we could be together. I could be a father to you, Rhosh and Daline… but it wasn’t meant to be, I guess.” Everything stopped spinning and stopped outside the same house. Derina was standing on the porch, holding a newborn in her arms, Jherog a few feet away from her. He tried moving closer to her but she stepped away. “No matter what I did or said, she couldn’t be near me. Grodan had broken her.” Everything began spinning again and kept stopping at different scenes where Jherog was watching Derina and her children from afar. With each scene, the children were getting bigger, older. “I kept hoping time would heal her. That she’d see the goodness I could bring to her… to all of your lives… but suddenly, it was too late.” The spinning stopped again and Jherog was inside the house, leaning over Derina’s sleeping form, tears in his eyes. A much younger Devra, and her siblings, were standing a few feet away, watching. “The infection came and spread so quickly.” He was crying now. “I had hoped against hope that your family was safe on the outskirts of the village, but it wasn’t so.” He sobbed and then cleared his throat. “She’d died so peacefully and quickly.” Younger Jherog told the kids to get out of the house and then screamed just after they left. The kids stood outside watching the door, hearing his screams and then everything went black. Jherog turned to Devra, his eyes swollen, red, and still filled with tears. He thought Devra would be crying too, given all that he’d told her, but she stood there, cold and distant, with a fiery look in her eyes. Confused, he pulled back. “Can’t you see?” He asked her. “How strong my love for you truly is?”
Devra huffed and moved a step closer. “You truly believe all of that?” She asked. Confused, he nodded.
“It’s the truth.” Devra moved another step closer and smiled.
“No wonder you’re so confused,” she finally said. “You’ve been lying so long, you no longer know any truth but your own.”
“My own? I don’t understand…”
“That often seems to be the case with you.” She moved close enough to be able to whisper in his ear. “Allow me to show you the real events that transpired.” Jherog tried to look at her but she kept moving away from him, forcing him to spin. Everything around him was spinning and then it suddenly stopped. He could see the village before him, a very young Derina playing in the streets with other children while he stood off to the side and watched. “You stalked my mother like prey from an early age,” Devra started. Young Derina looked up at Jherog but didn’t smile. She quickly glanced away, as though afraid. “You were like a shadow she couldn’t be rid of.” The village spun and kept stopping at different scenes, different ages, all of them consisting of Jherog following and watching Derina. “You frightened her.”
“That’s not true!” Jherog protested, but fabric from Devra’s red clothing reached out and covered his mouth.
“Don’t interrupt.” Young Derina was coming back from the forest with friends and berries when young Jherog walked up to her. He grabbed berries from her basket and shoved them into his mouth, smiling. “She was only kind to you because you frightened her.” Jherog tried to shake his head no, but couldn’t move. The scene changed again. A now slightly older Derina and Jherog were at a village celebration. Jherog was watching Derina closely. Derina faltered, unsure and nervous as Jherog walked toward her. “It was my father that protected her,” Devra stated as a young Grodan walked up to her and asked her to dance, smirking at Jherog as he turned away, and moved to continue watching. “It was my father who loved her.” The scenes changed over and over again to Derinas and Grodans walking hand in hand, kissing, laughing, and looking up at the stars. Jherog wanted to scream in protest. None of it was true. “She’d finally forgotten about you!” Devra yelled as the scene changed to the one outside their wedding, dancing together with no sight of Jherog anywhere.
“She finally felt safe. But it wasn’t long before you began tormenting her again.” Young Derina sat by the creek, looking at the stars, caressing her swollen belly and singing to it. Young Jherog approached slowly and spoke. Though no words could be heard, one could tell he was desperate for her while she was desperate to flee. Somehow, young Jherog got close enough to grab her by the arm and pull her into him. He grabbed her face and forced a kiss on her lips. She tried pushing him away but had difficulty as he continued pulling her in and kissing her. She finally hit him hard enough that he let her go. He watched her run, a look of shock as the scratch on his face began to slowly bleed. “You were consumed and continued haunting her every step.” Scenes flashed before them where he was but a few steps behind her in a public setting, or where he pulled at her when they were somehow alone. He’d steal kisses when he could, grab her body in ways he wanted, and watch her in her most private moments. “You were relentless and though both she and my father did what they thought they could to keep her safe, somehow you found a way to her.” Young Jherog was now standing inside the Terbit farmhouse, waiting in a dark corner. “Somehow, you lured her away and finally had your way with her.” Young Derina entered the farmhouse quietly, a look of excitement on her face. She laughed as she looked around, as though looking for someone. “What lie had you told her, huh? How did you lure her there?”
“I d…” he wanted to protest, yell, and scream, but the red fabric tightened around his mouth and covered his nose.
“One more outburst from you and I’ll keep them both covered.” Devra’s voice was calm and clear. He nodded and the fabric let him breathe in through his nose. Jherog could see Derina stepping into the center of the barn, could see the moonlight shining on her bright red hair, and he closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see what Devra was conjuring. It was all lies. She was trying to trick him. “Don’t you dare!” She yelled and his eyes popped open against his will. Suddenly, Derina was on the floor with Jherog on top of her. She was flailing her arms and screaming as he ripped her clothing off of her, a large and dark smile on his face. “You will finally see the truth!” Derina’s breasts bounced as Jherog forced his flesh upon hers. She was crying and he held her arms down over her head. She screamed as he kissed her body, even though no one could hear her. “What had you told her, Jherog?” He’d hoped the scene would begin to fade, but it didn’t. He was forced to continue watching the deceitful display in front of him, conjured by Derina’s own daughter. He couldn’t understand any of it. He felt the fabric loosen around his mouth.
“Your mother loved me,” he told her and quickly the fabric wrapped around his throat and threw him across the room. When Jherog opened his eyes again, he could still see his younger self violating Derina, only now it looked like love making. He smiled and stepped closer. “Don’t you see?” He pointed at them and looked for Devra to see, but she was nowhere to be found. “She loved me!” He yelled and got closer to watch his younger self with her as she moved her hands down his body and around to his back, digging her nails into his flesh from pleasure.
“No!” Devra suddenly broke in and the scene changed again. Jherog was forcing himself onto her and she was crying out in pain, fear, and desperation.
“No!” Jherog yelled out. “It wasn’t me that abused her!” He screamed. “It was Grodan.” The scene suddenly changed and it was Grodan attacking her, violating her, hurting her. “He was a monster!”
“Stop lying!” Devra screamed and the scene changed yet again. It changed over and over again as Devra and Jherog battled for control of the truth. Jherog concentrated all of his efforts on picturing himself and Derina making passionate love, but all that appeared before him was her being violated, having turns taken from Grodan and then himself. He brought his fists to his temples, beating them against his head in hopes to change what he was seeing. He couldn’t take it anymore. The thought of Derina having such pain and fear thrust on her was destroying him.
“STOP!” He yelled. “Stop it!” And everything went dark. They were in the field again, the dark blue sky lit with stars above them. The long, soft grass, blowing around them. He fell to his knees and continued sobbing. “Please stop,” he begged. He closed his eyes, afraid to open them and see it again. He could feel Devra was close by. He could sense her, feel her warmth.
“It was you that violated her,” she whispered and Jherog simply continued crying out. “It was you who made her betray her own husband.” Silence. “And when he realized she was to give life to another man’s youngling…” Jherog’s breathing suddenly stopped. It couldn’t be, he thought. “That’s right… father.” Jherog gasped and felt his heart break. “Grodan went mad with jealousy.” Jherog looked at her, confused. “Oh, he hurt her, but not in the way you claim.” The scene changed around them and they were back in Derina’s home. Rhosh, Daline, and Grodan were seated at the table as Derina served them. She was holding the plate of meat to her side, having to leave room for her large, swollen belly. Grodan was laughing with the kids as she finished serving them and sat down. She reached for Grodan’s hand and smiled, but he pulled away, unable to look at her. “Even though it wasn’t her fault, he couldn’t even look at her anymore.” They all ate in silence as Jherog and Devra watched. The scene finally disappeared and Devra stood in front of Jherog, glaring at him. “Do you remember what you did after?” Jherog swallowed and then somehow found the courage to say what he needed to say.
“I saved her,” he whispered and immediately, he was thrown across the room and the fire in his hip ignited and grew. It reached out across down his entire leg and up into his chest. He wanted to cry out, but couldn’t find his voice. He lay on the floor writhing when Devra came back to his side.
“You murdered Grodan and tried to take his place,” she told him. It was all nonsense and crazy lies. He couldn’t fathom where she’d heard them. “Mother told me,” she whispered in his ear as though she’d heard his thoughts. His eyes widened in fear as he felt the grasp of the fire in his hip reach for his heart. “Mother told me everything.” The fire seemed to be dancing around his heart, as though poking at its outer shell in torment. Devra bent down to his level and smiled at him. “You think it’s all been a coincidence, or perhaps destiny that brought us together?” The fire finally seemed to find its way into his heart. It burned so hot, he could feel the flames being pushed through his veins. “No, dear father, I’ve had this planned from the start.” Despite the flames spreading through the insides of his body, he could still hear her words and wanted desperately to hide from them. He looked up at her in disbelief. Was she truly his? Had he and Devra’s love truly created a life? He tried reaching out for her but she pushed him back down. “You disgust me,” she told him. His daughter, he realized, despised him. His daughter, whom he’d cared for, whom he’d tried to protect, whom he’d… He suddenly felt ill as he remembered all the times he’d lain with her. How he’d caressed every inch of her body, when she’d allowed it. Confused, he looked back up at her. How could she? She smiled down at him. “It was just supposed to be a bit of fun,” she told him. “At first it was only to garner a confession.” She took a deep breath. “The slaughter in Grindl and death of Rhosh and Daline. I had to get your attention.” What was she saying? Had she somehow orchestrated it all? “I just wanted to know you… try to understand you. But I could see you wanted me, and I thought… let’s see where this goes. But then…” she sighed. “You pushed me away. Just like Grodan, mother, Rhosh, Daline. And I wouldn’t have it. So, I formed a plan, a way to torment you. Make you want me more. And you fell for every part of it.” She laughed. “I knew you’d feel the need to save me from some desperate fate. Dhera and Rhia were just…a bonus. And Gredik? Well, no one was going to miss him anyway.” Jherog’s mind was spinning as he tried to concentrate on her words and make sense of them. “And yet still, after your bold rescue, you couldn’t take advantage. To be honest, you were driving me mad! I had to up the stakes. So, I convinced that stupid Gigan to come back to my room with me. Once he was most vulnerable, I screamed. I knew you’d rescue me. Again.” She moved closer to him and held his face in her hand. “You were a most impressive challenge. I think I might have even lost sight of my plan by then. I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. What had broken mother so? What had driven father so mad?” She let his face go and sighed. “And it was you. Not just you,” she pointed at him. “But your deranged… what did you call it… love for mother. So, I knew my only chance was to become her.” She was deranged. It was the only rationalization he could come up with. To seduce one's own father! He cried out and Devra laughed. “And then all of this happened,” she twisted her hand and wrist and the pain throughout his body intensified. She stepped up to his side. “And I’ve discovered torturing you with pain brings a lot more satisfaction than torturing by other means,” she whispered and then kissed him, deeply. “Or killing you ever could.”
“Devra, please…” he managed to stammer in a barely audible whisper. “My…” She knelt down to him once more, her smile gone.
“And then this,” she rubbed her growing belly. “This was not part of the plan,” she admitted, laughing, her voice getting angrier. “I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how it plays out.” Jherog began sobbing. The poor youngling wouldn’t stand a chance. He had to make things right. He reached for Devra and the pain intensified as the flames seemed to finally reach his skin. At first, he thought his skin might melt, but it simply turned to flame and he cried out as Devra watched, a sick smile on her face. She watched, resting one hand on her belly as flames danced in her eyes.
Ⓒ November 2023. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.