Rule #12

George Washington’s twelfth rule of civility reads:

Shake not the head, feet, or legs; roll not the eyes; 

lift not one hand higher than the other; wag not the head; 

speak not when others speak; sit not when others stand; 

speak not before you are spoken to.

I’ll be honest, this one feels….heavy.

It reads like a full body shut down.

Don’t move.

Don’t gesture.

Don’t react.

Don’t speak.

Maybe don’t even breathe!

At first read, it feels less like civility and more like a very intense hostage situation. But, as with other rules, once you peel back the rigidity of the wording, something much more human begins to emerge.

Because Rule #12 isn’t really about becoming silent or still. It’s about something we’ve been circling for a while now: How we show up, not just with our bodies, but with our voices.

From Presence to Participation

If the last few rules have been guiding us toward presence, Rule #12 asks the next question: How does one participate?

Rule #10 was to sit like you mean to be here.

Rule #11 was to be comfortable enough in yourself to stay present.

And now, Rule #12 is to enter a shared space of conversation with awareness.

Because conversation is just another version of “the fire.”

It’s something we gather around.

Something we share.

Something that can be warmed by care, or disrupted by thoughtlessness.

The Art of Not Interrupting (Which Apparently, Required A Rule)

Let’s focus on one particular line: Speak not when others speak.

Simple. Clear. And yet…astonishingly difficult for modern humans.

We interrupt. Ad nauseum. 

Not always out of rudeness, but out of enthusiasm, impatience, the fear of forgetting our point, the need to be heard, and the belief that what we’re about to say is too important to sit on.

We talk over each other.

We finish each other’s sentences (even incorrectly).

We just listen long enough to respond, not to understand.

And in doing so, we slowly erode something essential, the feeling of being heard.

A Quiet Realization

I’ve been in conversations where I could feel myself disappearing mid-sentence.

Not because I stopped talking, but because the other person, or people, had already moved on, finishing my thoughts, redirecting the conversation, or simply waiting for their turn to speak (or to go back to their cell phones). It’s a strange feeling, realizing you’re technically being listened to, but not actually being heard. I feel it with my husband a lot.

There’s a kind of loneliness in that moment. Not a dramatic one, just a quiet awareness that your words didn’t quite land anywhere. And for a long time, I held onto that feeling as something that happened to me.

Until, at some point, and not without a bit of discomfort, I realized I’ve done it too.

I’ve interrupted when I was excited. Jumped in before someone finished because I thought I knew where they were going. Listened just enough to respond, instead of understand.

Not because I didn’t care. 

But because I wasn’t fully present.

And that realization softened something in me.

It made me more patient.

More aware of the space between someone speaking and me responding. More willing to let a moment land before I tried to shape it. Because, being heard isn’t just about having a turn to speak. It’s about choosing, even briefly, to pause their own thoughts long enough to truly receive yours.

Listening Is a Form of Restraint

What Rule #12 is really pointing to is restraint, not as suppression, but as respect.

To not speak while someone else is speaking is to say, what you are saying matters to me. 

And that pause is powerful.

It creates space.

It allows thoughts to land.

It signals care.

In a world where everyone is trying to be heard, the person who listens becomes rare, and deeply valued.

Speak Not Before You Are Spoken To

Now, this line needs a little unpacking…

Taken literally, it feels outdated. Maybe even problematic.

We don’t want a world where people wait for permission to exist in conversation. But if we translate it with a modern lens, it becomes something far more useful:

Don’t insert yourself into every space automatically.

Read the room.

Enter with awareness, not assumption.

It’s not about silence. It’s about timing.

There’s a difference between contributing thoughtfully, and inserting yourself impulsively. Between joining a conversation, and taking it over. Between being present, and making everything about you.

The Body Still Speaks

What’s fascinating about Rule #12 is that it circles back to the body again, shaking your head, rolling your eyes, and exaggerated gestures. Even when we aren’t speaking, we’re communicating.

An eye roll can shut someone down instantly.

A dismissive gesture can end a conversation before it begins.

A visible reaction can say, I’ve already decided you are wrong, before a single word is exchanged.

Rule #12 reminds us that presence isn’t just about being physically still. It’s about being open.

Modern Translation: Don’t Dominate the Room

If I had to translate this rule into something that fits our world now, it might sound like this:

Don’t dominate conversations with your voice, your reactions, 

or your need to be heard.

Because dominance isn’t always, and doesn’t always look loud. Sometimes it looks like interrupting, over-explaining, correcting instantly, reacting visibly instead of listening, or steering every topic back to yourself.

It’s subtle. But it shifts the entire dynamic of the conversation and space.

Why This Feels So Hard Now

Well, it seems we are living in a time when everyone has a platform. Everyone is encouraged to speak, and everyone is told their voice matters.

Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But without the counterbalance of restraint and awareness, it creates a strange tension. Everyone is speaking, and fewer people are really listening.

And conversation becomes less like a shared fire and more like a room full of microphones.

Presence, Once Again

By now, the pattern is unmistakable.

Rule #4: be mindful of noise

Rule #8: share space

Rule #9: protect what’s shared

Rule #10: sit with intention

Rule #11: settle into yourself

And now, Rule #12: speak with awareness.

Not less.

Not never.

But with care.

A Final Thought

Maybe civility, at its root and core, isn’t about perfect behaviour.

It’s about learning when to speak, pause, listen, enter, and step back. In a way that allows others to do the same.

Because conversation, like fire, only works when it’s shared.

And the people who make the most meaningful impact in a room, the ones really worth noticing and listening to…are rarely the loudest ones.

They’re the ones who know when to speak, and when not to. 

Ⓒ March 2026. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.