There Is No Healing

You know, it’s funny, I’ve been on a long road of unraveling trauma, trying to understand myself, and beyond that, trying to love myself and allow for good things to happen or come to me.  

Yesterday I had to go for a psychological evaluation because months ago, I put in a request to cover the cost (insurance coverage from my accident in Aug 2024) of another round of mental health support. It was flatly denied and the insurance company required this evaluation to “prove” I was actually suffering mentally, or psychologically, or whatever.

Typically, I don’t mind talking about my struggles. I have a lot, though most of them - those from my past, pre-accident - I’ve found good ground to build off of. I’ve found better balance because of them, if that makes sense. But lately it’s gotten harder as more time has passed since the accident. It’s been over a year and a half since I got hit by that bloody car and I still don’t feel anything close to resembling the woman I was before it happened. 

Now, I’m not, nor was I ever, expecting to be able to get back to her really. My life has been forever changed, and sometimes I’m ok with that. Most days in fact. But sometimes, I’m not. And the fact that more time has passed, and I still feel physically unwell, in some form of pain every day, and am experiencing an increase in anxiety… that’s worrisome to me. Not to mention frustrating and exhausting. And that’s not even taking the legal issues into account.

So, why am I writing about it? Well, the thing that’s bothering me now is that I did the evaluation. It’s done. It took almost three hours, but it’s done. But there were some things in that evaluation I couldn’t quite articulate. For instance, I was asked to open up about my past, with direct questions. These questions and answers led me to some dark, regretful, frustrating memories. They caused me to tear up, my chest to tighten, etc. I don’t know if the evaluator is going to write that up as a current concern, or one that is completely separate from the accident and therefore a non-issue. But the truth is, yes they are separate, but the recent trauma faced, survived, and that I still carry, has affected my past trauma and vice versa. It’s not a simple thought, feeling, or idea that remains in a separate compartment or box. It all intersects. 

I think one of the prevailing feelings I have each day is… exhaustion. And I NEVER used to get tired. I could go for hours, days (within reason of course, I’m not a robot). I seemed to have an endless, boundless energy source, but that’s gone. I’m so tired. And not, I-need-a-nap, or I-haven’t-slept-well tired. It’s an emotional and mental exhaustion I’ve never felt before. I don’t know if it comes from the accident, the accumulated shit over my lifespan, or maybe the universe is laughing at me, turning me into one of the tired and lifeless zombies I so often accused others of being when they couldn’t keep up with me. Either way, there’s one thing I’m almost certain of, the insurance company is not going to care. The truth is, the world doesn’t care. And truth be told, I don’t expect the world to care. It’s none of the world’s business how I feel, unless I want to share it (which clearly I do, otherwise I wouldn’t have a blog). 

But I do wish the world had more patience, more understanding, more room for my exhaustion without me having to express it, or be labeled by a practitioner or professional. I do wish the insurance company could see more than just the injuries that are obvious, because the hidden ones are hard too. I guess, through this whole experience, the car accident and trying to “get back to normal”, and honestly, the experience of life, what I’m coming to realize is… there is no healed. Perhaps not even healing. There’s just living. And choosing to get up each morning, and making the choices you make - caring for yourself, nourishing yourself, taking risks in giving yourself to others, and of course all of the mundane requirements of survival - a job, paying bills, etc. Why do we so often feel there should be more than that? Why do we feel we deserve more? We are truly living in a time (and place) where people have been at their healthiest, safest, wealthiest, and where we have the most unstructured or free time than ever before in history. What makes us think that somewhere there is an existence where we don’t feel pain, where we don’t experience trauma, big or small. Where we don’t ever have to suffer?

The truth is, I walked into that evaluation angry to be required to be there, anxiety-filled from having to drive post-car accident for almost an hour to get there and more than an hour to get home, feeling defeated and judged that I had to “prove” my mental anguish, but also nervous that all of the work I’d done to help myself, strengthen my capacity for self-love and awareness, become a better person, find a healthier and happier way to navigate this world, and basically try and heal was all going to work against me. How fucked up is that?

Still, I was honest, as I can only be. And I was surprised to find my chest tightening, and tears well up and fall from my eyes when asked about my childhood, about the rape, about my experiences at school. In a way, it almost felt like I was being re-traumatized. But I guess, if talking about those experiences and times in my life is still difficult, and brings those sensations and feelings… I’m not better? I’m not healed? I guess it means the journey is ongoing. I guess it means, as I said… this is life. There is no ‘healing’, or I guess there is never going to be a state of “I am healed.”

I feel like this shouldn’t be a revelation. Like it’s beyond silly I’m just realizing this now. But, I guess a part of me had thought I was in fact healed. I’ve mentioned my experiences a thousand times, but most often in simple or surface conversation. Ask me to go deep though, and it still hurts. And that sucks. But I have to live with it. And I’m not saying that with a tone of anger or frustration, not even in a whine or pleading sense, looking for sympathy or accommodations. It’s just a fact. A sad one, but a real one. And one I need to sit with. Process. Accept. And navigate until I’m gone. Some days will be easier than others, I guess. 

Truth be told, I feel happy way more often than not lately. But is that because I’m ignoring it? I’ve pushed it down so far that I can be happy? Because if I’m constantly aware of it, reminding myself of it so I’m not ‘ignoring’ it, wouldn’t that be massively unhealthy? I don’t want to think about it everyday. I don’t want to feel like I do in this moment, more often than feeling happy. I guess after the sitting, the processing, the accepting, and the navigating, beyond all that is finding a balance. A balance between the good and the shitty in life. A balance in healthy indulgence and overindulgence. A balance between how I feel and how I react to those feelings.

As a kid I had amazing balance. I could run, skip, jump, walk a balance bar, monkey bars, do cartwheels, and more. I could even ride my bike without using the handlebars and it made me feel invincible. Until one day, I walked along a beam that was safe on one side but an eight foot drop on the other and closed my eyes. Guess which side I fell on? Yup. And I broke my arm. But that didn’t mean that I never had balance. Balance is dynamic, not permanent. So maybe, just maybe, even when you have the confidence and surety that you’re invincible, that you’re balanced, the universe sends a gentle, albeit sometimes not so gentle reminder that you’re not. 

I guess I’m not really sure what I’m trying to get at - what message I’m trying to discern from all of these thoughts. I just know I’m feeling a lot right now, and it’s hard. And exhausting. And I just want to be not feeling this way. I want to feel happy. But in order to feel happy, I have to know these downfalls exist. If it never rains, how can I appreciate the sunshine? If I never fall, how will I know how to get back up? I have to find the balance.

I guess, with this new crap - the accident, the pain, the depleted energy and exhaustion is harder for me because yes, it’s more recent, but also, it’s random. Most of, if not all of, my past trauma, I’ve been able to find meaning. It was terrible. Painful. Life-altering. But it taught me. It transformed me. It led me to places I might not otherwise have ever been. But this stupid accident, and the continued bullshit with insurance, doctors, lawyers, etc… it’s all felt random and unfair. This is the first time I’ve experienced a trauma that I had absolutely no responsibility for. It was random, and violent, and painful, for absolutely no fucking reason whatsoever. How do I find balance with nothing to grasp, nothing beneath me?

Maybe I was just tossed too far from something to grasp, or from the solid sense beneath my feet. Maybe I’m still flying through the air after having been thrown 20+ feet from my bike. Maybe, this time, the journey to finding something to grasp, or solid ground to stand on will take longer than I thought. Maybe I haven’t found it, and that’s why I’m still struggling. I’m like Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar, traveling through space, trying to find a safe place to land. For now, I just need to have faith that I will find it. Somehow. Someday. But like Matthew, I don’t have any certainty while I’m searching. I just have, or at

least try to have, faith, fragments of data and information, love for the people in my life who support me, and the stubborn refusal to stop moving forward. In the movie, it’s only later, in hindsight, that the pieces begin to make sense. Maybe that’s real. I mean, let’s be honest, if I’m saying that I feel happy more often than not, that doesn’t sound like someone completely lost. There’s clearly some sense of gravity still pulling me toward something. My internal compass is still working, I just don’t currently have a map.

So, here’s to floating through space, trying to find a safe place to land.

Here’s to patient resilience - not pretending everything is fine, but not forcing meaning where none exists yet.

Here’s to unfinished stories, blank pages, and still writing after the pencil is broken or the ink is dry.

Here’s to charting new territory and finding balance, even if only to lose it again.

Ⓒ March 2026. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.