Invisible Violence: Toxic Co-Parenting

This is the fourth installment of a series I’m writing on Invisible Violence.

You can read the first HERE, the second HERE, and the third HERE.

Co-parenting is challenging under the best of circumstances. But when one parent is toxic - manipulative, emotionally abusive, or determined to undermine the other - the experience can become not just difficult, but deeply damaging. Unlike physical abuse, which leaves visible marks, the wounds inflicted by toxic co-parents are often invisible: a slow erosion of self-worth, confusion sown in a child’s heart, and the constant frustration of battling someone who thrives on conflict.

And yet, there are no real legal or support systems in place to protect children and parents from this kind of abuse. The police won’t intervene unless there’s physical harm. The courts, in their effort to preserve both parents’ rights, often fail to recognize emotional and psychological abuse as legitimate threats to a child’s well-being. The result? A cycle of pain that’s ignored by the very institutions meant to protect families.

For years, I had to navigate co-parenting with my son’s biological father, a man whose idea of fatherhood was more about fun and appearances than actual parenting. He played the role of the “super fun dad on weekends”, making life with him seem like an adventure while I was left to enforce rules, provide stability, and handle the responsibilities. He rarely paid child support. He dismissed my values and beliefs, often ridiculing them in front of our son. And, perhaps worst of all, he failed to truly see or support our son for who he was.

My son was never the kind of boy his father expected. He wasn’t the tough, “man’s man” his dad wanted him to be, and instead of embracing him, he belittled him. The result? My son grew up feeling like he was never enough in his father’s eyes.

As a mother, I worked hard to counteract this. I never spoke ill of his father, even when I wanted to. Instead, I framed things with compassion, trying to help my son understand that his father simply saw and did things differently than I. But the damage was done. My son struggled with his sense of self, and even now, as an adult, he carries the scars of those early years.

And through it all, there was no help. No legal system to protect my son from his father’s influence. No support network to recognize the emotional toll of co-parenting with a toxic person.

As hard as my experience was, a close friend's situation is even worse. His ex-wife has made it her mission to paint him as the villain in their daughters’ lives, twisting the truth and feeding them lies. She tells them he was never there for them, despite the years of his love and involvement. She refuses to compromise on scheduling unless it benefits her. And she blames him for every difficulty their daughters face.

What’s truly heartbreaking is how this has affected my friend. He was always a confident, capable man, but years of being told he’s a bad father have chipped away at his self-worth. He questions himself now in ways he never did before. And though his daughters are strong, smart, and aware enough to see the truth, they’ve had to navigate a storm of manipulation that no child should have to face. 

Despite his efforts to seek legal help, he found the system entirely biased in favor of the mother. The mediator all but told him, “The mother knows best.” His concerns, his stress, his rights as a father - none of it seemed to matter. 

The system is failing families. The legal system prioritizes parental rights over a child’s emotional well-being. A father who wants to be involved - even if he’s toxic - is granted access. A mother who emotionally abuses her children and manipulates them against their father is still considered the “default” primary caregiver. And while physical abuse leaves evidence, emotional and psychological abuse remain unseen, unrecognized, and unpunished.

What’s more, family court is expensive. Fighting for custody, mediation, and legal representation costs thousands of dollars - money many single parents simply don’t have. This forces people to remain locked in toxic co-parenting situations because they can’t afford to fight for better arrangements.

While there’s no easy fix, there are steps that could make a difference. 

Family courts must start recognizing these forms of abuse as valid reasons to adjust custody arrangements. 

Requiring co-parents to meet regularly with a professional mediator or support worker could provide accountability and intervention before situations escalate. 

No parent should have to stay in a toxic situation simply because they can’t afford to fight for their child’s well-being, so free or affordable legal aid for custody battles needs to be more available.

Teaching parents about the long-term harm of toxic co-parenting and giving them tools to manage conflicts could help prevent manipulation and alienation.

And better support is needed for all involved. Whether through community programs, counseling, or government-backed initiatives, single parents need more resources to navigate these challenges.

Much like coercive control and emotional abuse in intimate relationships, toxic co-parenting thrives in the absence of accountability. The system refuses to intervene unless the abuse is physical, leaving children trapped in a battlefield of whispered insults, twisted truths, and forced loyalty. The scars of this invincible violence don’t fade with time - they manifest in anxiety, self-doubt, and broken relationships well into adulthood. Until we recognize that emotional and psychological abuse can be just as destructive as physical violence, we will continue to fail the very people we claim to protect: our children.

If you’re struggling with a toxic co-parent, know that you’re not alone. Here are a few things that helped me (aside from my amazing husband):

• Pick your battles. Not every fight is worth your energy. Focus on protecting your child’s well-being (including mental health) rather than ‘winning’ against your ex.

• Keep a “child first” mentality. No matter how much you despise your co-parent, or perhaps can’t afford to share that cost, don’t let your child become a pawn in the conflict. Do what’s right by the child.

• Maintain a neutral stance. As tempting as it is to expose your co-parent’s flaws, your child will benefit more from seeing you take the high road.

• Find a support system. Whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist, having people to lean on can make all the difference. And be sure it’s an actual support system, not an echo chamber.

Toxic co-parenting is an invisible form of violence - one that wounds children and parents alike. And yet, society turns a blind eye, dismissing it as mere “relationship troubles.” But it’s more than that. It’s a systemic failure, one that leaves parents and children vulnerable to emotional and psychological harm.

Until society and the law catches up, the best we can do is support each other, share our stories, and advocate for change. Because every child deserves a stable, loving environment - free from the shadows of manipulation and resentment.

Ⓒ April 2025. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.