Humphrey the Hero

As you may or may not know, I was hit by a car on August 9. I’m not quite ready to post about that yet, but I did write while I was in the hospital, and here it is…

Let me tell you my friends, there is no room for this kind of pain in my being. It is such pain that I cannot explain, rather than never wanting to feel anything like it again, which of course does it no justice in describing it. It is such pain, that I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, no one, not even someone I believe I dislike or may hate, though I can’t think of anyone who falls into such a category. 

This has been a challenging time, and believe it or not, a time for learning. One can discern who truly cares in times like these. It is those who are truly kind during these times that you learn are worthy not only of your time, but also your effort, and your love. As much as I give love freely to all so that all feel love as they deserve, there are only some who I work to cultivate and empower the love within our relationship. It takes two. And at times like these, you can learn how few and far between they are, or that you have an abundance to cultivate with. These kinds of situations help you to learn who love you and who are the heroes. And sometimes, just sometimes, you find it in the strangest of people or places…

Humphrey the Hero

Thank the stars for Humphrey! Poor Humphrey, who has had to endure the squeezing out of my pain, the brunt of my shame and embarrassment, including the great BM incident that took place only a couple of days ago. Allow me to tell you the story:

I had been in the hospital for five long days, waiting for hip surgery. My patience had been tested in ways I’d never imagined. My bed had become an unpleasant prison, and the embarrassment of not receiving a sponge bath had left me feeling like I’d lost more than just my mobility. But today was different—today, I was finally given my dignity back.

The nurse, also known as guardian angel, came in, cheerful and efficient, and with a warm smile, prepared me for my first sponge bath in nearly a week. The warm water and gentle scrubbing felt like a rebirth. I closed my eyes and let out a deep sigh, the first real breath of relief I’d felt in days. After the bath, the angel administered a suppository, warning me that it might cause some activity down below. I nodded, too relaxed to care about such mundane details.

Later, as I stirred awake from the best sleep I’d had since my arrival, I felt a strange sensation in my stomach—a rumbling, bubbling unease. My eyes snapped open, and I knew immediately what was coming. 

"Oh no," I muttered, half in disbelief. The urge was sudden and strong. I reached for the call bell, but then reality hit—there was no way help would arrive in time. 

I looked around in a panic, my eyes landing on Humphrey, the trusty stuffed bear, lying on the floor. "Humphrey, my dear, I need you!" I whispered urgently. Somehow, Humphrey seemed to understand the gravity of the situation.

Summoning all my strength, I leaned over the edge of the bed, my hip protesting loudly. I stretched my arm as far as I could, fingers just grazing Humphrey’s fuzzy leg. With one last groan I felt his paw graze my hand and I knew he was reaching back. I grabbed him and pulled him close.

"Good boy," I whispered, clutching him to my chest. But there was no time to celebrate—I still needed the bedpan. And there it was, just a little further out of reach than Humphrey had been. 

I took a deep breath and came up with a plan. I knew I didn’t have anymore stretching or pulling within me, but Humphrey did. I grabbed the back scratcher my husband had brought me from home and placed it into Humphrey’s little paw. From there, I cheered on as Humphrey pushed his paw out as far as possible, extending the scratcher until it reached the edge of the bedpan. I’m sure it was a ridiculous sight—a grown woman using a stuffed bear as a grabber claw—but desperation is the mother of invention, my friends.

With a final, determined pull, Humphrey managed to tip the bedpan toward me. It clattered against the bed frame but stayed within reach. "You did it, Humphrey! You’re my hero!" I gasped, more relieved than I’d ever been in my life.

Quickly, I removed my diaper, fumbling slightly but driven by the urgency of the situation. I positioned the bedpan under my hips just in time, and with a grimace, I bore down, pushing with all my might. Poor Humphrey watching and yet somehow finding the kindness within him to cheer me on. The relief was indescribable, and as I emptied my bowels, I felt as if I was getting rid of all the stress and discomfort that had built up over the last five days.

Once finished, I sat back, a mix of pride and embarrassment washing over me. Now came the tricky part: calling for help without broadcasting my predicament to the entire floor. I reached for the call bell and pressed it, my mind racing to find the right words.

When the nurse answered over the intercom, I cleared my throat. "Yes, hello. I seem to have, um, completed a very personal task, and I could use a bit of assistance... as quickly as possible."

There was a brief pause before the nurse responded, "Of course. Someone will be right in."

I sighed in relief, holding Humphrey close. "We did it, Humphrey. And they’ll never know the real hero of the day." I chuckled, knowing I’d never look at that little bear the same way again.

Humphrey was given to me by a friend who’d said he’d helped him through a difficult time. I’m not sure if that means they would like Humphrey back when I’m well enough to go home. If such is the case, I will be sad, but will also know my secret goes with him… and all of you, of course. I simply mean that, while Humphrey has been a great comfort and companion during this most painful and challenging time, I understand his powers and will gladly pass them on to any who need him. But I want to thank the friend who bestowed Humphrey to me, who not only entrusted me with his care, but also clearly understood how I would need him. So I say again, sometimes you find love, whether it be plutonic, brotherly, friendly, or in a time of crisis, in the most unexpected of people and places.

Ⓒ August 2024. Beki Lantos. All Rights Reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, or transmitted in any form by any means without prior written permission of the author.